Trevor Phillips, member of the Nomenklatura and a Big Nabob in the Race Relations Industry, most notable in recent times for telling a particularly unpleasant and vile joke about Her Late Majesty Queen Elizabeth the Queen Mother and a colostomy bag (concerning which see here), has come up with a daft but sinister idea: let us rewrite history.

Most of us, in fact all of us, I daresay, think of the trashing of the Spanish Armada in 1588 as having been brought about by an English Fleet that took the Spanish on in the Channel and beat them, driving them into the North Sea and thence round Scotland as a result of which the Spanish found themselves in seriously bad weather which finished off that which the English Fleet had begun, an event which Queen Elizabeth I seized upon to good effect in raising her esteem in the eyes of our people in her famous oration at Tilbury which I set out here, not because it is particularly relevant but because it is so good:

My loving people, we have been persuaded by some that are careful of our safety to take heed how we commit ourself to armed multitudes for fear of treachery; but I assure you, I do not desire to live to distrust my faithful and loving people. Let tyrants fear. I have always so behaved myself that, under God, I have placed my chiefest strength and safe guard in the loyal hearts and good will of my subjects, and therefore I am come amongst you, as you see, at this time, not for my recreation and disport, but being resolved, in the midst and heat of the battle, to live or die amongst you all, to lay down my life for my God and for my kingdom and for my people, my honour, and my blood, even in the dust.

I know I have the body of a weak and feeble woman, but I have the heart and stomach of a king, and a king of England too, and think foul scorn that Parma or Spain, or any prince of Europe should dare to invade the borders of my realm; the which, rather than any dishonour shall grow by me, I myself will take up arms, I myself will be your general, judge, and rewarder of every one of your virtues in the field.

I know, already for your forwardness, you have deserved rewards and crowns; and we do assure you, in the word of a prince, they shall be duly paid you. In the meantime my lieutenant-general shall be in my stead, than whom never prince commanded a more noble or worthy subject, not doubting but by your obedience to my general, by your concord in the camp, and your valour in the field, we shall shortly have a famous victory over those enemies of my God, of my kingdom, and of my people.

Eat your heart out, Tony Blair!

Now, according to Professor Phillips, far from Sir Francis Drake, Lord Howard of Effingham and Sir John Hawkins being the heroes of the hour, it was the Turks who won the day against the Spanish, not, you understand, by administering a sound thrashing to them, but by mysteriously delaying them so that by the time they did reach the English Channel (or La Manche as, I suppose, this dreary little man would have it) they were tuckered out and the Spain v England Test Match was a pushover.

The key to this is not that the Turks were, well, ‘Turks’ but that they were Muslims. Thus English History is to be rewritten so that, in truth, all that has gone before us was in fact brought about by a series of ethnic and religious minorities whom it pleases this odious man to please, he and the rest of the Liberal Left establishment which hates England and her history so.

Where will this all end, you might ask? Perhaps we should excoriate Richard I for his crimes against humanity in encouraging the pogrom against England’s Jews at the time of his coronation and then for his wickedness in starting a genocidal Crusade against millions of innocent Muslims in the Near East? Actually only the latter bowdlerised view of history will do as the Liberal Left is a good deal more anti-Semitic than Richard ever was.

Then again we could view the Great War through Mr. Phillips’ wonky prism: how the gallant, just, Muslims of the Ottoman Empire rose up against the Turks and swept them out of Arabia to such an extent that a vital crutch of Wilhelmine Germany was swept away, whereupon the Huns were forced to sue for peace.

That will not do, of course, because Johnny Turk is, as we have earlier seen, himself Muslim, and the Liberal Left does not do Muslim on Muslim violence lest it offend.

Perhaps it should be taught that the Turks, who are, as we have now learnt, Muslim, should be credited with discovering the New World. After all it was their dominance of the Eastern end of the Mediterranean and the Middle East that forced Christopher Columbus, who was secretly a Muslim, to travel West in search of a route to the Spice Islands, using technology that derived from Arabic Mathematical skills, something which they had learnt because they were Muslim. And then there were those beastly Conquistadors who went off to the New World and killed all those Aztecs and Incas, who were, did we but know it, all devout Muslims and victimised by those rotten Christians for their faith.

Of course, we should recall, we only managed to defeat Napoleon and Hitler because on both occasions the Ottomans and later the Turks, Muslim to a man, declined to join in on the side of either. And then there was the Cold War: this was, as any fule kno, won by Muslims in Afghanistan who beat the Ivans, who, notwithstanding their long-term persecution of the Church, were all secretly Christians and so deserved all they got. Nothing to do with former Catholic Priest Bruce Kent and CND after all!

And then we might care to record properly just whose fault the Holocaust really was: the Jews, of course, who should not have been so stupid as to live in Europe in the first place when they could have stayed back in Palestine, alongside those nice friendly neighbours of theirs, the Muslims. After all, it says so in the Protocols of the Elders of Zion, doesn’t it? Or perhaps in something by David Irving, who knows a thing or two about the Holocaust. Or perhaps it was…….obviously I did not pay sufficient attention to Professor Phillips when he gave that scintillating lecture on Muslim Medicine and History of The Colostomy Bag.

On the other hand, might it not be simpler and better to boot this ghastly individual out of office and make him, well, history?