The centre ground, whatever that is, has become somewhat crowded of late, a bit like our little island, of which more anon. Thus the Liberal ‘Democrats’, finding two large heffalumps occupying said centre ground, have gathered up their collective skirts and scuttled off to the left.

John Pienaar, one of the BBC’s own, and thus to be trusted (how odd it is to think of trust and the BBC in the same sentence!) on such matters, described the latest policies from the Nut Cutlet & Sandals party as very ‘progressive’ and ‘redistributive’. Quite what that makes Labour, which manages to make Dick Turpin look quite right-wing much of the time, by the BBC’s lights, goodness only knows. But if the Lefty BBC thinks that a party’s policies are very redistributive, then you may be assured that some really eye-watering tax, tax, tax and tax again policies are on offer from the Yellow Peril.

And so, if you are on £250k a year, you will, under their Local Income Tax proposals, be paying a lot lot more to your local council but if under £15k you will, apparently be paying a lot less. What was notable about all this was the complete absence of information about what would happen to the 95% odd who earn between those two figures. Silence in these cases almost always means that the news is so bad that they cannot bear to tell you just how much they are going to stiff you for lest it provokes an immediate run on the polls in a downward direction and they have to find themselves a new leader, sharpish.

And if you and your wife are earning anything more than £70k between you (not difficult these days with even quite modest jobs) then you should be pleased to know that you will be working very hard all week so that you can contribute yet more as part of your redistributive duty. After all, who is going to pay for all the Jobsworths that would be needed to administer all this guff?

Are you here illegally? Keep your head down long enough and the LibDems will give you not just the right to remain but, as a special reward for your long-term law breaking, a brand new shiny UK Passport. How’s that as a means of reducing the number of illegal immigrants in the UK? And what a wonderful way to discourage would-be economic migrants! What a wonderful way of saving public money: all those pesky Immigration Officers can safely be made redundant forthwith! Just open the gates and let them all in. Quite where we are to put all these people, who selflessly save us lots of public money by not putting the Home Office to the expense of assessing their suitability to come here, is not spelt out, probably because the answer would lose them shedloads of votes, though not, of course, in Kinshasa, Bamako or Bangui.

They are, it seems, quite miffed at the way the Labour party has been trying to seduce them into the ‘big tent’. According to Vince Cable”

“What [Gordon Brown’s] doing is not just a threat to us or the Tories but a threat to democracy, an attempt to stifle democracy”.

An attempt to stifle democracy, eh? That is serious stuff, Banana Republic even. Nothing like, of course, stifling democracy by resiling from your promise to hold a referendum on the EU Constitution.

Still, it must be jolly good fun being a party which has zero prospect of ever having to put its policies into practice. That way you can indulge your Onanistic fantasies in almost any way you want. And if you feel like a lurch to the left, why not? At least you will get away from the crowded middle ground which has become so densely populated by those beastly Tories and ‘New’ Labour.

Besides, if they ever did get into Government, they could, of course, simply hand the whole awful mess over to their special chum, Emperor José Barroso I, who will be delighted to run the place for them, indeed will be running the place provided they do not, under any circumstances, allow those rotten voters to have a referendum which would spoil all the best laid plans of mice, men and EuroNabobs.

Still, all these clouds may have silver linings: all those bits that come up a liverish yellow on Peter Snow’s wonderful election night graphics will soon be just a curiosity in the history books.
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