Two Shags John, who takes a wrecking ball to the English language every time he makes the mistake of speaking, has apparently signed up with Jeremy Lee Associates (who tend to Hague and Alistair Campbell) to go on the after dinner speaking circuit. Speculation there is, as you might imagine, at how much of a fee he will command.

Why would anyone want to pay this illiterate, bigoted and quite ignorant baboon to speak?

Karaoke perhaps (how about “If you were the only girl in the world and I was the only boy?”) but speaking……..If you really want a speech delivered through Mother’s Mangle, perhaps, but otherwise watching good Stilton mature might be more fun.